When you sleep...

It's wonderful. When you are awake, it's wonderful too. But when you sleep, it's like the entire house gives a ginormous sigh and we all take a break. When you sleep, my mind wonders, reflects, composes itself. Sometimes there's tears. Sometimes there's chocolate. And sometimes there's a desperate prayer for an increased amount of calmness, insight, and forgiveness for saying a curse word in my head or getting angry at a certain husband for not understanding me.

When you sleep, I sleep sometimes. Sometimes I run on the treadmill. Sometimes I do the dishes, a load of laundry, make the bed, or clean the computer desk. Sometimes I even take down the Christmas decorations from a month ago. When you sleep, other things can get done...sometimes.

Sometimes, when you sleep, I spend my time thinking about when you are going to wake up. And it makes me frustrated. It's like my ears are turned up and I constantly feel like I hear you crying...even when you're not. So it makes perfect sense that I creep into your bedroom and take pictures of you sleeping, because there's nothing like a clicking camera to keep little babes snoozing in their cribs. But I can't help myself. I LOVE watching you sleep. I love to hear you breathe and think about where you are going in your dreams. You are safe, loved, and comfortable.

I love it when you sleep.

You are 6 months, shout hooray!

Liam and Finn,

You are 6 months today. And you are growing, growing, growing! I looked at pictures of you from 1 month ago and you look so tiny, so different. 6 months ago today, I saw you for the first time "outta da womb" and I never pictured these big, healthy babies I have now. But here you are!

And you are marvelous.

My beautiful Liam, you are becoming such a smiley baby! When I set you and brother in your highchairs and I sing and make funny noises and clap my hands, you smile immediately and even laugh. I hope you always think I'm this funny. You are my inquisitive little boy. You watch and study things around you very carefully. And then you talk about it. Boy, are you my little chatter box! Holy moly, you have so much to say for such a little guy. And I love it. Sometimes you will be in your crib and just talk and talk and talk and Daddy and I will stop what we're doing and say "Is that Liam?" And then laugh, because it does our hearts good to hear that noise. Especially because it's NOT crying. :)

My sweet Finn, I can't get over those eyes. This afternoon, you woke up from your nap early and wouldn't go back to sleep. So, I rocked you and you looked straight at me with those big, blue eyes and my heart melted. You are getting to be such a strong boy! You LOVE standing on your legs. After I change your diaper, you get so excited and can't wait to be lifted up so you can stand. You love your daddy. Period. I think he is your favorite person in the world. Of course, I get a little envious after a long day of messes and meltdowns and the minute daddy walks in the door you are all smiles and so excited to see him. That's good, though, because I also love it when he walks through the door. :)

My dearest babies, I love you so much. Each new stage is exciting and I actually like that you each go at your own pace. I never want you to forget that even though you came as a package, Mama and Daddy love you for your individual gifts and personalities.

Happy 6 months my babes! Enjoy every minute.

Love,
Mama

(A little "smothering" brotherly love.)

(I love this picture, because it's so indicative of each babe's personalities.

Liam: inquisitive, Finn: busy.)

(B's mini-me)

Who loves Liam?

Last Sunday, Brandon was teaching his Sunday School class at the same time babies needed to be diapered and fed. So...as he taught, I would trade babies from his arms. At one point, I knew I needed an extra pair of hands, so I marched into the Primary Room and handed Liam to one of the counselors, while I made bottles in the church kitchen.

After I came back down to the Primary Room, the Primary President asked if Liam could be a "special guest" for her sharing time. She went up to the microphone and invited me and baby up to the front. She introduced us and then asked the children "Who loves Liam?" Little hands shot up and one sweet girl answered "His mom!" I looked at Liam's little angelic face and nodded enthusiastically. The Primary President asked "Who else loves Liam?" More hands went up and and another little boy said "His mom!" Smiling, the Primary President replied "Yes, his mom loves him a lot. But, who else loves Liam?" Another answer was yelled out "His mom!" I kissed Liam's forehead and nodded again.
The sweet leader then asked "Who else, besides Liam's mom, loves him?"

"Daddy", "Grandma", "Ancestors", and "Jesus" were all heard around the room.

I love thinking about everyone who loves my babies. I especially love thinking about how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love them. It makes my heart so happy.

And, yes, I love them so much 
it should be shouted at least 3 times.

(Liam and Finn in their new highchairs. They are such big boys!)

*****

A little shout-out to Brandon Johnson:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

(more to come...)

"Cause I'm going to make this place your home.'

The babies are supposed to be napping, but I can hear little Liam's voice. 

He is such a chatter box. I love it. 

Except when they're supposed to be napping. 

The holidays are over. And I seriously needed a couple days recovery.

The dishes piled up, and so did the laundry.

We all stayed in our pajamas, without any care to get ready.

Some days are just like that. And that's okay.

Especially after the holidays.

My sweet babies,

our home may not always look perfect.

Dinner may not always be ready on time.

Or, some nights, ready at all.

You may have needed a bath yesterday

and the green beans stuck in your hair

from today's lunch may be a good indication 

you definitely need one now.

The beds aren't made and the dishes aren't done.

You may have clean clothes neatly folded in your drawer

...you may not.

Your toys cover the family room floor

like foliage on a fall day.

And your mama?

She's the one passed out on the couch

from lack of sufficient sleep for as long as she can remember

the past 6 months.

But...

"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home"

Merry Christmas 2012!

(Mama and Baby Liam)

Christmas was a whirlwind. Johnson house Christmas Eve, Shaw house Christmas morning, Birch house Christmas afternoon, and we're finally home. The babes are tucked in their beds with full bellies, hopefully dreaming of goodness and all the hugs and kisses they've received today.

(Baby Finn and Baby Liam are the stars of Christmas Morning.)

I watched my children today. They didn't understand opening gifts or the "Merry Christmas" wishes that were sent their way. They definitely didn't understand all the time in the car. But they smiled and cooed and brightened the day of those who held them. Today was a long day for mama and daddy, but they were our little troopers. There were meltdowns, but who can blame a little 5 month old for only wanting a clean diaper and a bottle?

(Liam and Grandma S taking a nap.)

Old traditions were kept, some were not, and new traditions were created with our new additions. Christmas Eve was spent with Grandma and Grandpa J and Uncle Shane. We ate dinner, read Luke 2, had a wonderful FHE on personal gifts, which was followed by beautiful presents made by Lori for each of us (Brandon, Shane, and me).  Afterwards, we opened the rest of our presents and ate some cream puffs. When we left, the world outside was covered with a blanket of white snow, but the air was clear. It was a perfect Christmas Eve night.

(Joey made this monkey bread for breakfast. Even if it did light the oven on fire, it was still yummy!)

Christmas morning, Liam was up at 5:30 am and he wouldn't go back to sleep. So I picked him up out of his crib and snuggled him in our bed. He fell back to sleep, but I was awake. So, I carried myself into the family room and laid on the couch, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. I reminisced on Christmas past and remembered that it was at 5:30 am exactly 1 year ago that I went into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. I was so nervous. Then I saw the (+) and I started to cry. B, thinking I was crying because it was negative, rushed in to comfort me. When he opened the door I showed him the test. And he started to cry. It was a wonderful, surreal moment.

Remember this?

(Mom and Dad's Christmas gift to us. I miss my brother.)

While we fed babies, B and I opened gifts to each other and the little Santa gifts for the babes. Then we packed up and headed to the Shaw's for Christmas breakfast and presents. Whit had just come off a night shift at the hospital and the rest of us were a little tired, including the babes. So, we packed up and went home. We laid the twins down, got ready, got the twins up, changed them, and fed them. Unfortunately, we were about 2 hours late to the Birch Christmas party- such is our life right now. We ate more food, exchanged gifts, and played games.  And the babes were marvelous. 

(Grandma Birch all dressed up in Christmas cheer!)

I love Christmas. But, in all the hustle and bustle of trying to get gifts wrapped, cards sent, and food made...I found myself stressed and grumpy. In the midst of loading crying babies in carseats and driving through stormy weather and/or icy roads to attend another family party, getting uptight with each other became easier for B and I. At the height of all the commotion, B expressed to me "I'm not annoyed with you. I'm annoyed with Christmas." As we talked, I realized that, sometimes, in trying to keep with the traditions of the holiday, we can loose perspective on the meaning behind our celebration. It was so ironic to me that the last thing I wanted to do was be Christ-like on the day we celebrate His birth, His life, and the gifts He offers us freely. Such a disappointment for me when I clued in that I was losing the "reason for the season".  

(Two loves of my life: Baby Liam and Baby Finn)

Then my little brother sent his email from the MTC. The last few sentences in his letter read  "I hope you all have such a wonderful Christmas and New Year. Just remember to keep Christ always in your heart, there in lies true happiness...This truly has been the best Christmas I have ever had!"  My heart warmed as I remembered my days as a missionary and I recognized that I am the happiest when I am closest to my Savior. When I spend more time giving thanks for my blessings instead of wasting energy on worrying about what I don't have. When I serve others instead of having expectations of what others "should" do for me. When I quickly forgive instead of being offended and holding on to hurt feelings. When I look for the best, not the worst in people. When I hope and not fear. When the Savior is the center of my home, my family, and my life.

Merry Christmas to all! Prayers for peace, joy, and gladness as we celebrate our Savior, Jesus Christ. I know He lives. I know He loves us. And I know, along with Elder Shaw, that true happiness comes from following Him.

6 real things I love about my real life RIGHT NOW.

(This is decorating the Christmas tree this year. Brandon did NOT like the tinsel, but I put it on anyway.

Then I agreed it looked a little cheap. So we took it off. He wasn't super happy about any of it.)

1. Brandon Johnson. What does a "perfect marriage" look like? Is it two people who always look, act, and feel their very best? Is it a union void of any trials, tests, or turns? I admit my ideas have evolved over the past couple of years. I have learned, even over the short time we have been married, that a successful marriage requires hardships, because that's when a husband and wife have the opportunity to give selflessly and buoy each other. Jesus Christ is perfect love. And when we follow His example, we feel that, especially in the sacred bonds of marriage. Faith, Hope, Charity. We hear about these things all the time, but do we act when it really counts- when it's really hard? Brandon Johnson is my husband. He is my best friend. He is my partner. He is the person I share my most intimate self with and he holds my very fragile heart. And now, he is the father of my children. I love my life with him.

(Liam and Finn)

2. Liam and Finn. I love to hear Liam talk. It is one of the loveliest sounds. The more he grows, the louder the chatter becomes. And I LOVE it. At night, after we feed the boys, we sit in the rocking chairs in the nursery and sing songs to our babies. I love watching Finn try to sing along. It melts my heart. It makes me laugh. It makes B laugh. I love that Finn is almost above 80th percentile in almost all his stats. I love that he is 17 lbs. I love that Liam is 14 lbs. Because that means they are growing. And there were weeks and months when that's all my heart wanted. I wanted big, healthy babies. And that's what I have.

 (Whitney and Joey Rino)

3. I love that I can text my sister at 8:30 am and ask if she watched last night's episode of "Parenthood". I love that we will text back and forth about how many tissues we needed to get through it and how our husbands cry too. Then, our conversation evolves into expressions of love for our family, for our lives, for the goodness that we have been given. I love that we can still laugh at our childhood and agree that we have a good life. I love that she will drop everything to drive to my house so I can sleep for a couple of hours, while she cleans, feeds my babies, and cooks us dinner. I love that our husbands can laugh together. I love that she shares her dreams with me and I with her. I love that she loves my babies.

(T. M. Shaw)

4. I love littlest Chee. She likes to come over and watch Project Runway and I offer her anything in my pantry to eat. Usually she prefers a banana with Nutella. I try and keep Nutella stocked for this very reason. I love that she will automatically go pick up a baby when they start crying. I love that she has similar aspirations that I had at her age and that she stresses about them as much as I did. But, she can do the splits. And is much more popular. And has the best legs and feet in the family. And is more strong-willed than my young 15-year-old self. And I love that.

(Elder saying goodbye.)

5. I love that Elder Shaw is in the MTC. He has been there since November 28th. I miss him, but I know he is in the right place. I received a letter from him yesterday and my heart burst. He is growing up so fast and his testimony of Jesus Christ is so strong. It makes me miss my days as a missionary. It has caused me to have dreams for the past week about being called on another mission. It's weird. I am sad that he won't get to hold my children again until they are about 2 years old, but I am so so happy that he is able to spread the Gospel to people in Mexico. There are few greater experiences than watching an individual or family literally change before your eyes as they accept the teachings of Jesus Christ. (here's a little video of our family saying goodbye.)

(Baby Liam playing with Aunt Diane.)

6. I love that B's Aunt Diane is in town. I could sit and listen to her talk for hours...mostly because I love that eastern accent. I also love hearing her and B's dad talk about their childhood in New York. And I love her love affair with cakes, cookies, and other forms of deliciousness. Last night we met up at City Creek and had dinner. Then we went to Temple Square. What do I love most about Diane? She can laugh. I LOVE laughing. In fact, there were a couple of comments B made to me last night that got me laughing so hard, I almost didn't make it through the door and into the bathroom before wetting my pants. I grew up with a mom who can gut-laugh 'til tears flow down her face.  Some of our greatest memories have to do with laughing. Feeling down? Try laughing. Especially at yourself.

For posterity's sake!

(Gramps with Liam)

There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about my children's future. I wonder who they will become, the choices they will make, the mark they will leave on the world. I contemplate my role as their mother and the influence I have. On one of our early-morning walks, I expressed to my dad the concerns I had about the world my children are growing up in. I asked him what he thought was the best thing I could do to help them be strong. His answer was "Teach them that they are children of God, that He loves them, and that you love them." I admit I was a little surprised that was the extent of his advice. Is it really that simple?

(Baby Finn)

I sincerely believe everyone of us is a pioneer in our own way. We may not be asked to trek thousands of miles on foot, but we are required to trek everyday through good and bad choices, relationships that are sources of joy and heartbreak, and hardships that result from unemployment, sickness, and/or death of a loved one. In the midst of such a loud, negative world, the threat of falling into a spiritual drought or crisis becomes increasingly possible, and unfortunately, normal.

(Grandma with Finn)

As I pay attention to those around me, specifically close relatives and ancestors, I force myself to take note of their legacy. The trials they endured and the choices they made are not parallel to those required of me. But, I honor the trek they made, because there is no doubt in my mind that some of the decisions my grandparents and parents made have had direct effect on the life I live.

(Baby Liam)

Today, I am grateful for parents. I am grateful for grandparents. I am grateful for ancestors. I am also grateful for posterity. What choices do I make today that will influence the lives of my children's children? I must recognize that a legacy is being built, even within the monotonous day-to-day. For posterity's sake, I put my shoulder to the wheel, for there is no greater work I can think of.