Saturday, June 15, 2013

I see you.

Dear Brandon,

Tomorrow is your first official Father's Day. How do you feel? Well, I know for a fact that, at this moment, you feel ready for bed. But, just like the good man that you are, you have taken the Subaru to the grocery store at 9:30 at night and are picking up some ice cream for dinner tomorrow, because once again, we forgot about it.  But I appreciate that you didn't complain when I asked if you would go. You even grabbed my HUGE binder of coupons to carry with you. Man, you're good.

Brandon, did you ever think your life would turn out the way it has? I did. And I didn't. A wise man once told me that the man I married would "see" me. I didn't quite understand what he meant by that until I met you. You see me. And that was one of the main reasons I married you on that cold day in January. That and you are incredibly intelligent. And your eyes are the color of the Caspian Sea. And you can make me laugh until I pee my pants. (You know it's true. You laugh yourself silly every time I do it.)

I adore our little love story. I was your first kiss and you about passed out when I asked you to kiss me that Sunday night on my parent's doorstep. Our courtship was easy. No games. No gimmicks. We were true to ourselves and to each other. We have replayed the moments leading up to our wedding day over and over and we continue to be amazed how things worked out the way they did. Destiny.

Fast forward to right now. It's another Saturday night. The kids are in bed and I'm sitting here in my pajamas. There's a pile of shredded paper strewn about the carpet- Finn's handiwork. Dishes in the dishwasher and laundry piles in our bedroom, things are quite different from your neat, little one-bedroom apartment on Fort Union. Do you regret it? Would you trade in the chaos of family life for order and quiet of bachelorhood? Think about it- no invasion of closet, bathroom, or dresser space, no curling iron cords to trip over, and no covers being stolen off your body while you sleep. Not to mention "reminders" to mow the lawn or to turn on your side in the middle of the night or to run to the grocery store after work or to change another dirty diaper. There would be less crying. A LOT less crying-from your twin baby boys AND your wife. Wow. Why is there so much crying?

Okay, I know you don't regret it. I know you love your life. I also know you work hard for this life you have. Every morning at 7:00 am the alarm goes off and you roll out of bed onto your knees to pray. Every day you head to work and use your big brain to do amazing things for your employer and provide amazing opportunities for our little family. I know you constantly worry about making sure we are comfortable and have our needs met. Sometimes I get frustrated when you are so conservative with money, but I get it. And I never go without. Never. My needs and wants are met consistently-and that's the truth. Most of all, your hard work allows me to stay home with our children and that is the BIGGEST blessing.

I know you have doubts about how you are doing as a father. I know you feel bad when you make a mistake and you want so badly for our children to be safe, healthy, and happy. Sometimes you feel like you're losing your mind and you kind of freak out when I mention a feeling that we will have 5 kids. But, you love your children and I see your face when they laugh or smile at you. I also see you walk into the children's bedroom every night before we go to bed. You check to make sure they're okay and tuck blankets over tiny sleeping bodies. It is so tender. I will never forget the day Liam and Finn were born. You got to see them before I did and I asked you to check on them and take pictures and make sure they were okay. When you came back to me, you cried and said "I love our boys so much." And then we cried together.

Brandon, you are seriously Man of the Year. This has been a beastly 12 months, but it has also been one of the most blessed. I could not, would not survive without you. 5:00 pm is my favorite part of the day. Not just because you are coming home to help me, but because you are my other half, my missing piece, my best friend. You are my deep breath, my calm, my confirmation that things will always work out. You are everything.

And you are an outstanding father

I see you and love you with all my heart,


No comments:

Post a Comment