1 Month

The babes turned 1 month old yesterday.

How did we celebrate?

The boys met Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Day for the first time.

And were loved on by Grandma & Grandpa Shaw...and Aunt Chee Chee.

When we got home, we celebrated Uncle Shane's birthday with 

Olive Garden take-out and yummy cake. 

The babes were loved on again by Grandma Johnson and Uncle Shane.

*****

MY 3 BOYS. I AM IN LOVE.

The best kind of help

The days are long, but blessed. We aren't getting a lot of sleep around here, the diaper pail and laundry basket are filling up quickly, and my newest outfit accessory is baby spit up and milk. But we have received wonderful help from family, especially from grandmas. Grandma J comes up in the afternoon. She does my laundry and dishes, cooks dinner,  changes diapers, makes bottles, and snuggles my babies. Grandma S has spent nights at our house. She gets up every time my babies wake up, changes their diapers, makes their bottles, feeds and rocks them to sleep...just so we can get a little extra sleep ourselves. Moms are rockstars!! I hope these babes know how much their grandmas LOVE them.

First Bath

We're doing a lot of first's around here. 2 nights ago, it was first bath. Momma and I thought they might scream, but they both surprised us. Looks like bath time is a happy time. :)

Triumph over Tears: A Mother's NICU Survival Guide

I have written this post a million times in my head, but haven't found the motivation to type and publish.  Living in the hospital for 3 weeks can do that to a person, especially when hospital stay is due to having babies in the NICU. If there is one thing the past few weeks have taught me, it's that life has a funny way of changing plans and reminding us that, ultimately, we're not in charge. It's a hard lesson to learn at times. What am I saying? It's always a hard lesson to learn.

Our journey started at 5:15 am on Wednesday, July 18 2012. I woke up to a huge gush of fluid down my legs. I could tell this was different than bladder issues because there was no control! I cried out "Brandon? Brandon? Okay, don't freak out, but something's happening." We decided my water had broken, so we finished packing our go-bag and got in the car. We stopped by my parent's house and B and my dad gave me a blessing.

When we arrived at Alta View Hospital, they checked to confirm Baby A had broken his water and got me hooked up to monitors. After about 15-20 minutes, my OB came in and informed B and I that because I was 34 weeks and 2 days, I would have to deliver at a hospital with a NICU. That also meant, my OB would NOT be delivering my babies. That was discomforting, but I looked at B. He grabbed my hand and I knew we would be okay. The plan was to transfer me to IMC, but we were informed they were on divert (their NICU was full). So, they decided to take me to LDS Hospital. I was wheeled out to an ambulance and B and I headed downtown.

When I arrived, I was hooked up to more monitors and doctors came in to talk to us. They confirmed via ultrasound that baby A was presenting breech and I would be delivering Cesarean. They also discussed the strong possibility that our babies would need to spend time in the NICU, but assured us they were going to take care of our family. Fortunately, both our families were able to make it to the hospital and chat with us before we delivered. About 2 hours after we arrived at LDS Hospital, I was walking down the hall to the operating room. There were so many thoughts running through my mind, but mostly "Will my babies be okay?" I sat up on the operating table to get my spinal block and looked through the window at the 2 isolette beds prepared for my boys. I closed my eyes and prayed "Please, please take care of my babies."

At 2:15 pm, Baby A (4 lbs 5 oz) was out and 30 seconds later, Baby B (4 lbs 9 oz) joined him. The anesthesiologist (who was absolutely amazing) asked what their names were. We informed him Baby A was Liam Carl Johnson and Baby B was Finn Steven Johnson. He liked their names. Things I remember about that moment: 1) I didn't hear my babies cry, 2) A nurse ran in and asked the anesthesiologist if he could help intubate one of our babies, 3) I started to feel super nauseous and threw up. All I could focus on was the doctor's confirmation that our babies were okay and were being well taken care of. I was wheeled back in the labor and delivery room and started feeling extremely groggy from the Zofran. I don't remember a whole lot, but I do remember B showing me pictures of our babies and then I looked at his face. With tears in his eyes, he said "Megan, I love our boys so much."

After the family had left and it was just me and B, my L&D nurse told me she was going to wheel me into the NICU to see my babies before taking me to my maternity room. Both babies had C paps strapped to their faces and IV's, cords, and tubes hooked everywhere. Although a little unnerving to see, I was able to touch them for the first time. My inclination was to stroke their tiny little hands and feet, but the nurse told me stroking could be too stimulating. So, I took my finger, faintly touched their feet and told them "I love you."

The next few days were difficult. Besides recovery from major surgery, I was diagnosed with post-partum preeclampsia and put on magnesium sulfate, which made me feel like death. I had to be wheeled down to the nursery when I wanted to see my babies and could only feed them once a shift. When I was discharged on the following Monday, I was overwhelmed with feelings of discouragement and fear of the unknown. How were we going to do this? The doctors continued to tell us we should plan on their due date (August 27th) for when we could bring them home. That was still over a month away. When we left the hospital that night, I was empty handed and heartbroken.

For the next week, my anxiety would be through the roof. Yet, I continued to have this feeling "This is your 'Beautiful Heartbreak'"and the words of Elder Jeffrey R Holland would run through my mind:

When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple. Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble.

When you have a child or children in the NICU, you are introduced to a new world and you learn a whole new language. You pay attention to weight in grams, you count feeding amounts in mL's, you cheer and clap for poopy diapers, you learn how to read the monitors and know what temperatures in Celsius are normal. You become REALLY good at changing diapers and breastfeeding with heart leads, pulse oximeters, and IV's hanging everywhere. You are familiar with the frustration when your baby has to go back on oxygen, doesn't eat well, or looses weight. You are also familiar with the joy when your baby can move up a stage or reaches the 5 lb mark. Little steps forward are huge and setbacks are to be expected and require great amounts of patience and faith.

The special care nursery at LDS Hospital turned out to be a huge blessing. They offered us their Family Support Room, which had a bathroom, desk, and queen bed. B would spend his days working from this room on his computer and we eventually stayed day and night, so I could feed the babies as they moved up in stages. We became close with the nurses and doctors and felt like they truly loved our boys.

(Adriana was one of our favorite nurses. She is holding Liam right before he was discharged.)

Finn was discharged a week before Liam was, which complicated things a little bit. Although we LOVED having our baby with us, it was hard to try and coordinate feeding schedules, doctor appointments, etc. Finally, on Saturday, August 11 2012, the doctors gave the "okay" for Liam to be discharged. By the afternoon, we were packed up and headed home!

I look back on the past few weeks with gratitude. I am grateful for modern medicine and technology that allowed my babies to survive and thrive. I am grateful for doctors and nurses who do their job well and take care of us. I am grateful for family and friends who are so willing to serve, support, and love. I am grateful for B's job that allowed him to work from the hospital. I am grateful for B. I could NOT make it through this without him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is my everything. I am grateful for the Savior. I am grateful for the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, who knows my needs and the needs of my little family. I am grateful for my life...even when it's hard. I am grateful for my beautiful heartbreak.

Family members "shower" the babes

(Card made by Grandma Birch. Love it.)

Last Saturday was spent surrounded by those I love. Lori and Grandma Birch threw a baby shower for me and the babes. It was lovely. The decorations were fantastic, the food was yummy, and the company was entertaining. We received SO MANY wonderful things! 

B and I are so grateful for such a generous and creative family. 

(Me and one of my beautiful sisters. Bless my swollen face. And body.)

*****

The days tend to blend together lately.

When I was going over the pics in my camera, I came across these:

We spent 4th of July morning with our neighborhood eating breakfast, listening to the mayor, watching the children's parade, and enjoying kids/parents getting sprayed with water 

by the local fire department.

Then we went to a movie. 

And then another movie. 

We figured we probably won't get to see another movie in the theater for a while, 

so why not live it up? Right? 

*The day ended with a phone call at 11:30 pm from Whit, informing us the hill behind our parent's house was on fire, but the fire dept responded fast and effectively. Grateful.

But not for idiots and fireworks.

B Talks to Babes: Part 3

I've ran 3 half marathons in my life. You would never know it by looking at me today, but I have. 

I remember, very well, how I felt when I saw the balloons at the finish line.

In a way, I'm feeling that now.

My body is exhausted and my mind is trying so hard to stay focused.

But I see the balloons...and I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

A fresh batch of grapes vs. crabby apples.

Summer. I'm usually in love with it and start counting down days in March to when I can jump in the pool, sit on the lawn, barefoot, with family and friends to chat and watch fireworks, camp and roast marshmallows up in the canyon, and head to the local amusement park. Summer means hotdogs, whitewater rafting, birthday cake, flip flops, and volleyball in my parents' backyard. It's the beautiful flowers, the green grass, the chirping birds, and the laughter of kids running through the sprinklers and chasing each other with the hose.

Summer. I'm usually in love with it. But, this year? I'm afraid my love affair has been put on hold.  Summer, don't take it personally. It's not you. It's me. It's all blasted me. Pool time has been cut down due to weariness of being seen and/or fitting into my dang maternity swimsuit, if I sat down on the grass to watch fireworks, you would never get me back up, going up the canyon to do anything seems too exhausting and those winding hills are a recipe for nausea and/or "stops" on the side of the road, and I'm too dang big to ride any rides at an amusement park...besides that stupid "sky ride" at Lagoon, which I hate (Maybe the train? No. Not even worth it.)

Hot dogs and birthday cake make my heartburn/reflex worse, there is no life jacket that could fit around my bulging belly for a trip down the river (Plus, sleeping on the ground, in a tent = pure agony and, again, you wouldn't be able to get me back up. Considering the fact I have to use the potty about 3-4 times every night, this could be a problem.), swollen feet make it hard to wear any shoes...including flip flops, and volleyball would be a complete FAIL, unless I could just sit in one spot and bounce the ball off my belly. This blasted heat makes yard work so hard, so my flowers are practically nothing and our poor grass is suffering, and chirping birds outside my window at 5:00 am usually means I have suffered through another night of no sleep due to aching ligaments, little bladder control, and terrible reflux.

I have to admit, I continued to dwell on these things this weekend as B and I ran some errands. Every time we would walk from the store to the car in the blaring sun and I would sit, waiting for B to load the groceries or bags into the trunk, I would feel the urge to climb that "crabby apple tree".  Tired, hot, emotional, and huge are all ingredients for a little tantrum. When we finally got home, I basically fell onto the couch, mindlessly staring at the wall. That's when B brought in a cold, crisp batch of purple grapes. They looked perfect, and let me say, they tasted even better.  I watched my husband as he would pop a grape into his mouth and then look at me and smile. I understood the "joy" he was feeling with every bite of cool, crisp, juiciness. It was like heaven. At least for me, everything else I was feeling faded away and all I was focused on, at that moment, was how good those grapes tasted.

I've pondered on this, especially after my husband, trying to be cute and funny, opened up a scripture during sacrament meeting on Sunday. Genesis 3:16:

Unto the ^awoman he said, I will greatly ^bmultiply thy ^csorrowand thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth ^dchildren; and thy desire shall be to thy ^ehusband, and he shall rule over thee.

He looked at me with a little smile on his face and asked "Feeling sorrow?" I looked down at my swollen bare feet. (Forgive me, but shoes came off the minute the meeting started.) All I could do was look back at him and nod with a pathetic grimace on my face. We both quietly giggled to ourselves and I laid my head on his shoulder.

Okay, we're on the last leg of this race. About 1 more month to go. Can we do it? Can we survive? I know many of you are probably laughing to yourself, thinking "Oh, if she only knew what life will be like once these babies get here. Silly, silly girl." You're probably right. But life is still a bit uncomfortable and hard these days. More often than not, I am stripped down to my garments, plastered in front of the fan. Thank heaven our AC decided to work again, that little jokester.

Unfortunately, it's a bit easier to throw the "crabby apples" instead of enjoying the "fresh grapes" of life, especially when your body is exhausted and hardly comfortable. I have to admit, I'm guilty of this. But, after my husband shared his scripture, my favorite scripture about the Savior popped into my mind almost immediately. Alma 7: 11-12:

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and ^aafflictions and^btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ^ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

I am grateful. My fear of sharing my feelings about the "discomforts" of pregnancy is a misunderstanding that I am ungrateful. This has been one of the most incredible things my body has ever done. My pregnancy has been hard on me, but my babies are healthy and strong. Every night my husband and I kneel together in prayer, asking that my body will be able to sustain the "afflictions" and "sorrow" that come from carrying 2 babies. Amazingly, it has done well. That is no coincidence.

During this last month of pregnancy, I have made a huge goal for myself:

Focus on the grapes! 

I will make a conscious effort to find the joy, not the sorrow of this experience. Excitement continues to grow as the arrival of our beautiful baby boys draws near. I can't wait to hold them in my arms and count their fingers and toes. I can't wait to kiss their little heads and memorize every part of their faces. I know things are bound to get crazier, but bring it on! The Johnson's are excited!

*****

In other news, I celebrated my 27th birthday.

Mom and dad had a little birthday dinner for me at their house and the Johnson's joined us.

We had another ultrasound today and babies are measuring 3 lbs 15 oz and 3 lbs 14 oz. They are healthy little horses and I think it might be due to mom's birthday wish for me- Healthy Babbies!