Friday, March 25, 2011

The woman I am. The woman I aim to be.

"I'm not good enough."

A common phrase that can run through my mind sometimes daily...or maybe a few times a day. An automatic thought that can spring up when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror, look at my dirty dishes and un-made bed, forget to call a friend, achieve code-level "disaster" with dinner, or even when I make a mistake at work. Let's not talk about reading over my "goals" for this year...because that's just depressing.

And at night, after I've had a long day, I find myself on my knees asking Heavenly Father "Did I do anything right?" I do a recap in my head of the past 24 hours and count up all the things that went "wrong" and all the times I fell short. And I come to the conclusion:
"Darn it, I'm just not good enough."

And just when I'm about to give way to discouragement and frustration, I feel the hands of a loving husband wrap tightly around mine and I look up to beautiful blue eyes and a cheesy smile. I start giggling because I can't help but feel so much love and tenderness for this person.

My mind goes through flashbacks:

*I remember looking at wedding pictures earlier that day and thinking how I would have done my hair differently and grimacing at the "thinning spot" on the side of my head, my extra chin, and the smudge of make up by my eye. Then I remember the look on my husband's face the minute he met me after our sealing ceremony and he saw me for the first time in my wedding gown. I will never forget that look.

*I remember the yoga class I went to on Wednesday. I was sweaty, smelly, and blobby. I couldn't touch my head to my toes. I couldn't hold my poses. I doubted myself on my decision to come back and "stick with it". Then I remember my friend saying to me as we walked out "You did so good Meg! I'm so proud of us for doing this." And as I walked through the door to our little one-bedroom apartment, I looked at my husband and warned him of my strong stench and sticky skin...but was pleasantly surprised with a big smooch on the lips and firm hug...regardless of sweaty, smelly, and blobby.

*I remember the dishes sitting in the sink, the laundry waiting to be done, the unorganized pile of shoes sitting next to the bathroom counter, and the mounds of papers, folders, boxes, and knick knacks that are sitting around, which I have yet to put away or throw away. I am angry and frustrated with myself, when my sweet B asks me to sit on the bed and read a couple chapters in the Book of Mormon with him and wants to do nothing but cuddle the rest of the night.

When we exchange "I love you" 's as we turn out the lights to go to bed, something inside me whispers "You're alright Megan Johnson. You're doing just fine."

If each woman were a magnificent painting of her life, she might find it very easy to notice the beauty in her friend's portrait and admire the way the strokes fall perfectly on the canvas and how delicately each detail is expressed and portrayed. But, when it comes to her own, it might be easy for her to pick out the little blotches in the corner, the unevenness in the paint, the skewed images, and the dull colors. And when she compares the two paintings, hers consistently falls short and is never "good enough".

Ha! Are you kidding? I specialize in this! And I would be lying if I denied that a majority of women everywhere have this same uncanny ability. As I look back on my life...through my childhood, teenage years, and even into college and adulthood, I think about how easy it has been for me to compare and contrast my life with other's. If only I had hair like that...or I could dance like her...or was as smart, funny, outgoing, spiritual, or hardworking...maybe, just maybe I would be "good enough".

I have something to say about the annoying little "good enough" phrase. It's SO OVERRATED! I have fought it all my life and it's just plain exhausting. I am a woman, and just that fact alone holds so much power, strength, and possibility. I am a wife, which is a role I cherish so, SO deeply. I plan on being a mother, which is another role I admire and look to with the utmost respect. I am a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a sister, and a friend. I am a returned missionary, a college graduate, a state worker, and an American. I am a slow runner, a yoga newbie, and a chocolate lover who is trying to up her intake of carrots and broccoli. I am a VERY amateur photographer, who loves to write and loves a good movie. I am a brown-eyed, brown-haired, size 10 shoed human being who is trying her hand at cooking and crafts...and is actually enjoying it!

I am a child of God. And that is absolutely good enough. :)


  1. I love this post. I thought about your future children reading this and getting to know you better through it. Realizing that they too are doing just fine. But know this, if you could always see yourself as others (I) view you, you would know that you are admired, beautiful, a joy to be around, and very much respected. Keep that in mind if doubts creep in again. :)
    Melanie (Spongberg) Phillips

  2. Just so you know, I've always thought you were gorgeous, especially your amazing skin and beautiful hair. And I love reading your blog and wish we lived close so we could go out to lunch occasionally.